


Never easy

by writelikeitsgoingoutofstyle (twoandahalfslytherins)



Series: Convenient Group of Femslash Fics [15]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Discussions of sex, F/F, interrupted masturbation, survivors struggling with sex after trauma, trauma mentions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-08
Updated: 2017-02-08
Packaged: 2018-09-22 19:17:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9621929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twoandahalfslytherins/pseuds/writelikeitsgoingoutofstyle
Summary: Eliza didn't believe all the silly lies the school taught- about how when you had sex with someone, you were having sex with everyone they'd ever been with.But that doesn't mean she's oblivious to the fact that he's still there, hovering over Maria's shoulder whenever the topic comes up.





	

Curtains drawn? Check.

Candles lit? Check.

Phone on silent? Check.

Eliza hummed as she moved about the room, making sure everything was just right. Didn’t want anything disturbing her once she began. 

Which meant creating her little pile on the nightstand. A hand towel, two different kinds of lube, the cutest little clamps Eliza had ever seen. The ones she’d bought while visiting her sister in Paris. All piled around two carefully selected toys.

Aware of the scene that awaited her, Eliza disappeared into the bathroom. Maria was out with Aaron, something about a library conference, so there was no need to rush. Took her time in the shower, letting the warm water start the process of relaxing all her muscles. Massaged her scalp, relishing the soft hints of lavender.

Really, it wasn’t often enough that she got to indulge like this. 

Toweling off she considered grabbing her laptop, putting on porn to set the mood. Settled on music instead, placing her computer on the dresser, far away from any thrashing limbs and draped a dry towel across the bed where her hips would go.

Eliza had plans that didn’t involve having to lay in a wet spot after everything was done.

First things first-

Her breasts were soft beneath her palms, small but pert. There were times she wished for a rack closer to Maria’s, breasts that were full, that would bounce as she walked. But for the moment, Eliza focused on enjoying what she had. On how nice it felt to roll brown nipples into peaks.

Hard buds ready for the bite of the clamps. She wasn’t a huge fan of pain, didn’t like to be roughed up during sex- but they provided a lovely contrast to what was to come. Helped ground her in the moment.

Eliza dragged her bottom lip through her teeth as she placed the first one, holding her breath until it was in place. Wiggled before grabbing the second, allowed herself the first whimper of the afternoon as it tugged at her sensitive nipple.

Worth it.

Definitely worth it when her hands slid lower and Eliza shifted, planting her feet on the bed so that she could continue her exploration.

Nice and slow. 

Once, as a college student, she’d laid on the floor, neck craning to see herself in the full-length mirror of her dorm. Spread her lips with one hand. It’d been awkward that first time, seeing her pussy. Seeing it quiver. But she’d grown to enjoy it, even had a boyfriend at one time who loved to take pictures of her open and needy. Pumping fingers or toys inside of herself.

Since then Eliza’d learned there were better ways to masturbate. Preferred to slide past her opening to rub at the space just below with two fingers, occasionally scratching gently along her folds. Liked to use one hand to press down on her lower belly while rubbing her clit.

All things to come. 

For the moment she twisted to look at her carefully gathered supplies. Decided to use the cooling lube this time, drizzling it on the little bullet vibe. Though not as cute as some of its colorful competitors, it had stood the test of time.

Little and powerful. It’d been her first sex toy and it had seen more than its fair share of battery swapping. Sometimes Eliza marvelled that the little thing still buzzed at all.

Glad it did because it felt delightful. With only one speed she had to be careful about holding it against her clit too long, but it felt just as lovely just to the side, or a little further down. Teasing at, but not quite penetrating before moving back up. A flirtatious dance as she built herself toward orgasm, pulling back every now and then.

No need to rush.

Considering how rare a treat this was, she was going to hold out for a big O. Let herself coast to a seven a few times before bringing herself all the way. The kind of orgasm that always left Eliza sated and exhausted when it was through.

Here Eliza didn’t bother trying to bite back her moans. No need to worry about disturbing her neighbors or waking Maria. No, Eliza was going to enjoy herself and she refused to be the slightest bit ashamed.

All warmed up she reached for the second toy. Didn’t bother lubing this one, rubbing it against her snatch instead, letting her natural juices ease the way when she did push it inside. The purple vibe wasn’t quite as strong as the bullet, but the curve and flat head meant it was perfect for pressing up against her g-spot.

For fucking it, one hand pressing against her tummy, the other pushing the pulsating vibe, rotating the handle to bring herself maximum pleasure.

She’d almost gotten lost in this, this feeling when a sudden sound caused her to freeze.

Pressed herself up onto her elbows to look at Maria, vibrator buzzing inside of her. Half distracting but it felt wrong to try and pull it out.

Still, Eliza struggled to say something. Something adequate that would make the tension go away. She hadn’t been caught cheating, no matter how much it felt like a punch in the gut to see Maria there. She was allowed to masturbate in her own home, shouldn’t feel the need to apologize for it.

Not that Maria would ask her too. Things were just-

They were just hard sometimes.

With eyes wide and shaky hands, Maria took a step forward.

Paused for a moment, clearly battling with herself just as much as Eliza was. Another few steps.

“Maria-” Eliza wasn’t sure what her girlfriend was planning to do, but it didn’t seem like a good idea.

Maria shook her head. “I- Let me? I should. I should be able-”

To pleasure Eliza. To give her this. In her darkness moments sometimes Eliza agreed. Didn’t like having to schedule her own self pleasure on the rare occasions that Maria went out with someone else. Hated the way Maria sometimes shied away from things as simple as kissing or cuddling, terrified that Eliza would push for more.

It wasn’t Maria’s fault and Eliza knew that. Wouldn’t dare ask for more, for something like this.

But it also felt inappropriate to try and tell Maria no. 

Or maybe that was just selfishness speaking up.

Tentative fingers cupped Eliza’s cheek. Fingers calloused from hours spent out in the garden, from the time that Maria spent trying to make something grow. Make something new. Better. It was what she did whenever the thoughts got bad, trying to turn her pain into something else. To transform it, as her therapist would say.

A constant argument with herself. 

Eliza wasn’t sure she wanted to be the garden today. To be the thing Maria tried to bury herself in despite finding it endlessly frustrating.

But the kiss was nice. Familiar.

The hand between her legs, searching for her clit was good too. Even if Maria’s nails were too long. Even if they scratched at Eliza’s skin, just on the wrong side of rough.

Inexperience. If it turned out that Maria liked this, Eliza could teach her to be softer. Could round out the edges of her nails, teach her to go slow.

There was a dip in the bed from where Maria tried to prop herself up, moving to grip the toy instead. Thrust it into Eliza.

Too much. Wrong angle. Eliza cried out, body instinctively moving back to get away.

A pointless motion because Maria was gone. Off the bed, away from the side, standing steps away as she slowly backed up looking horrified. Before Eliza could explain, could say it was okay, her girlfriend fled.

Eliza groaned. Pulled the toy out, gingerly. Took her time turning it off and wiping it down with the towel as she tried to figure out what to do next. Held her breath as she removed the clamps, tossing them to side carelessly before making the decision to pack everything up. Better to remove the evidence of what had just happened.

Grabbed a baby wipe in the bathroom to wash between her legs before pulling on a pair of sweatpants and a tank top. Considering what had happened, she used the body mist on the counter as well. Better not to go out there naked and smelling like sex.

But she did need to go out there. Needed to make sure that Maria was okay. 

That they were okay.

Usually, when Maria needed to hide, she retreated to the bedroom or the garden. But this time, Eliza’s hunt started in the hall bathroom. Moved to the living room. Found Maria in the kitchen, staring into the pantry. Very likely at the liquor bottles they kept on the top shelf for parties.

“Mar-”

“I don’t know why you don’t kick me out.” Back still turned, voice choked. Fuck- Eliza really should have stopped her. Should have reassured Maria before it was too late. Before it turned into this. “He would have- he would have just taken. But you’re always so patient. So selfless.”

Funny. Eliza was feeling anything but selfless at the moment.

But wallowing on that wouldn’t make this better. “I don’t kick you out because I love you. I don’t mind that we can’t have sex, I promise.”

The lie felt heavy. But it was better than saying the truth, better than making this already complicated situation worse. It wasn’t Maria’s fault. Wasn’t something Maria could fix. It would be like complaining that she was upset that they couldn’t go to Uruguay and understand the locals. 

“You could take on a lover-” Maria’s knuckles were turning white from gripping the doorway so hard. “I- I wouldn’t want you to tell me about them. Just say you’re going out with your sisters or something. But- you could do it.”

That felt heavier. Felt like pitch in her stomach. Like something rotten. “I don’t want anyone else. I want you.”

Wrong thing to say. Eliza knew it the moment it came out of her mouth, but she couldn’t take it back. Couldn’t make it go away.

“You can’t have me-” Fuck- there were tears on Maria’s face when she turned around, gesturing wildly. “You can’t have me. You probably never will. I want- I want- I want to be there for you so fucking badly but I can’t. I can’t. I touch you all wrong. I’m so fucking scared of being him, of you being him and I tried- I tried and I hurt you. I can’t-”

It hurt not being able to comfort her girlfriend. To touch her. To hold her until she stopped hyperventilating but trying to touch Maria right now would be the wrong thing. Would make everything worse. 

“You don’t have to touch me,” Eliza pulled out a chair so that she could sit at their little table. Trying to descalate the energy in the room. “Even if- if you did want to be involved. Be there. We can do things that don’t involve either of us touching each other.”

Maria fixed herself a glass of water before responding and Eliza allowed a little more of the tension to bleed from her shoulders. Calming down. They were calming down. They could do this even if it was hard.

“I don’t-” Maria started and then stopped, biting her nails. “I don’t understand how.”

“You could watch. Just having you in the room would be nice.” Maria could tell her what to do. Where to touch. But that felt like too much to suggest at the moment. “We could keep the lights off or I could be under the blankets. If you were okay with it- you could even touch me nonsexually. I could get myself off while cuddling.”

Selfish. Selfish. Eliza was being selfish. It was too much to ask and yet here she was.

Asking.

“That would be enough?”

It would have to be. Eliza couldn’t ask for more. “I understand if you can’t do any of it.”

Maria glanced toward the doorway, still looking trapped. “I? Not the bedroom.”

Not the bedroom. Could Eliza really be that selfish? Take Maria up on the implied offer there? “The living room?”

No response- just Maria wandering away and Eliza followed after a second. Tried to ignore the way her heart fluttered when she spotted Maria on the couch. “Clothes- do you want me to-”

It didn’t seem like it was something that Maria had considered before. “On?”

Eliza could do that. Slowly, just in case Maria changed her mind, she sat down on the edge of the couch. Shimmied closer when Maria reached out, hyperaware of her back against Maria’s chest. Of the way Maria’s arm moved away from her, laying on the back of the couch instead of holding her.

Enough. This would be enough. To feel Maria chest rising and falling. To not have her run away at the reminder that Eliza was a sexual being. 

Despite the water from earlier, Eliza’s mouth felt dry and she swallowed around it. Around the bad feelings and the guilt. Tried to remind herself that Maria felt guilty too. That maybe this would ease that. That this could be good for both of them. 

Still. She wanted to make this as easy as possible. “Could we maybe turn on the tv?”

“That. That sounds great actually.” Maria leaned forward to grab the remote and once she settled, Eliza closed her eyes.

Waited for the sound of some game show to come on before sliding her hand down her pants. Didn’t want to risk trying to play with her breasts as well, not this time. Better to keep things as nonintrusive as possible.

Found herself unwilling to work herself all the way to orgasm. Worked her clit instead, gentle circles as she listened to Maria’s breathing. Better this way. Not every session had to end in orgasm and so what if her reasons were more complicated this time? 

Better to avoid any feelings of bitterness that it wasn’t the big O she’d been planning.

Better to make this its own thing entirely.

Tentatively, Eliza moaned. Mostly as an experiment. Felt Maria tense and then relax, and okay, that was good. Let herself do it once more before wiggling. If Maria thought it was an orgasm? Well, all the better. But Eliza wasn’t going to put more effort into trying to fake one. Pulled her hand from her pants instead, awkwardly wiping her fingers off with the bottom of her shirt.

Hummed with content when Maria’s arm drifted back down, wrapping around her. No attempt to get Eliza to rinse off. No attempt at kissing Eliza either, trying to force herself to do more than she was ready for. 

This warmth, this comfort in knowing that okay, they could try something new and it not end in tears…

So much better than any orgasm she might have had.

**Author's Note:**

> I owe these guys like 10 fluff fics at this point.


End file.
